Kingman, AZ

It's been a rough couple days now. Anxiety, depression, and second guessing myself. I don't think I made it a secret I was seconding guessing my decision to move out to Colorado. During the days while I am keeping busy everything is okay but once it gets later in the afternoon towards bed time thoughts become dark. This is nothing new, I suffered from the same thing back home in Minnesota. The thoughts just manifest into different subjects.

The depression goes back a couple years now, it comes and goes but seems to always manifest at night. My thoughts go dark, really dark at times. Back home when I was really not sure what I was doing and going through the trouble of life seemed to challenging I would wonder if it would just be easier to end it. I have only admitted this to someone once before and soon after instead of trying to support and be there for me said person left me. The only other time I came close to admitting it was when I was at the doctor for my anxiety and couldn't bring myself to actually say it in fear of crying in front of him. The depression was something I could manage, riding my bike has always helped the most, at night when it got to its worst as I lay in bed I would remind myself that it went away in the morning. The anxiety and panic attacks were something I couldn't manage. I didn't plan on going to see a doctor, I never really thought about it until someone else in a round about way set it up for me. At the time I didn't realize what was causing it. I never went on medication for it but my doctor suggested I need to find what is the root of my struggle and face it head on to try and come to grips with it and use other mechanisms to lessen the attacks. I didn't wanna go on medication and I am glad he suggested this way of approaching things. I haven't had the sever attacks like I did at the start. Those were unbearable, I couldn't function. The closest thing I can describe them as feeling like is just pure dying. A heart attack, stroke, or some sort of body failure is what they feel like. Now that I know what they are I have to really focus to get through them but at times it's hard to remind yourself that it's just a panic attack. Especially when one of the biggest causes of my anxiety is the worrying about my own health. I have never known what it feels like to be completely able. I started off life not playing with a full deck of cards and I think to myself in those dark nights if it got any worse where I couldn't be as able as I already am I don't think I could go on anymore and would rather just die. That is something I have never been able to admit.

I'm not trying to get attention by putting this out on the internet. I am doing this for myself as a way to face my demons. Secondly I am doing this because I have always had the feeling I couldn't talk to people about these things. I think if it was something people could more easily admit to loved ones and friends we wouldn't have to suffer from these kinds of thoughts and would have healthy outlets. I don't want others to go through this kind of emotional suffering and I sure as hell don't wanna go through it anymore.

The drive today was rough, Chris Murphy and I are in the process of driving to LA to go race on the Velodrome. I was more home sick before I had left Minnesota and it returned as we drove through New Mexico and Arizona. Being in the desert for an extended period of time in a car with nothing but my thoughts made me think of home and how much better Minnesota is than those two states. It made me home sick. Not home sick of the people I left behind (yes I still miss and love all of you) but more home sick of how beautiful and comforting MN is. I am sure once I get back to Colorado I will remember how much I love it there but at the moment NM and AZ really have me down. I have no desire to ever return to these states ever again.

I am sorry if tonight's post was a little dark but I felt like I really needed to get those things off my chest. We will finish the drive to LA tomorrow and once we are settled in I will update what is going on. For those of you whom have read this post in its entirety I appreciate it.

Thank you,
Noah